I. AM. TIRED.
I am so tired right now.
As in pagod na pagod.
I have been feeling this for a few days now and it won't go away. I want to cry.
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WARNING: Unstable, contradicting, confusing statements to follow.
I love being a wife and a mother. This is my dream. To have my own family.
Mahal na mahal ko ang mga anak ko. I don't think merong magcha-challenge dyan.
But I am just so tired.
Having two kids is so different from having just one. When I had my firstborn, I really took my time, enjoying every little thing about parenting and motherhood. I planned everything, we even had regular Friday dates (we went to the park, we went grocery shopping, watched movies, window shopping, etc).
Pero negaron, sobrang hirap mag-balance ng time. 'Di ko na alam paano hahatiin ang sarili ko. Naiiyak ako guys. I feel incompetent. I feel like I am such a bad wife and mother. Like, I am not giving my best. Or even if I am giving it my all, hindi pa rin enough.
Like today.
It is my husband's birthday. Well, we had dinner with our families. Nothing fancy. Pero paguwi ng bahay, kailangan ko pang i-check kung may homework si Aeris. Then we had to do her Kumon homework. Then put Arya to sleep. Tapos kailangan ko pang tignan kung okay ba yung damit ng asawa ko para sa wedding ng kaibigan namin.
Sabay-sabay.
Tapos iniisip ko pa ngayon, may sakit yung isang kasama namin sa bahay. 'Yung nagaalaga kay Aeris. So yung nagaalaga kay Arya, kailangan nyang i-juggle ang 2 kids ngayon. Uuwi pa sya next week, graduation kasi ng anak nya --- so paano na 'yan kapag may sakit pa din 'yung isa naming kasama.
Tapos may kailangan pa akong tapusin na briefer para sa hearing sa Wednesday. Yung Econ database pa.
I don't even know if I am making sense right now. I don't even know if I am paying attention to my kids and my husband properly.
It is hard. It is difficult that you are needed everytime.
Guys, seryoso. Hindi lang 'to drama. Those close to me would know that I will never ever complain about being a wife and a mother. I will do anything for them. Pero seryoso, nakakapagod din naman kasi talaga minsan.
Totoo pala yung mga meme na parang "where is the pause button in all of these".
My back hurts. Ang sakit sakit ng legs ko. Babagsak na ang mata ko. Pero kailangan ko pa din pumasok bukas.
Ngayon, mas lalo kong naa-appreciate yung mga kasama namin sa bahay. May mga anak din sila. Pero ito sila, nagaalaga ng mga anak ng ibang tao. Malalayo sa sarili nilang mga anak, kasi kailangan kumita ng pera eh. They will miss a lot of milestones in their kids' lives, pero titiisin nilang lahat ng yun. 'Yan ang reality. Ang tapang nila, ang lakas ng loob, ang tibay nila.
Parang ako, kailangan ko din kumita. Kailangan may maiambag ako sa pamilyang ito.
How do I make sure that I am physically and mentally present in all of these? In all of my husband and kids' milestones? Even in the littlest of things. How do I attend and address to all of their needs? Is that even possible?
