Being a Wife and a Mother

I. AM. TIRED.

I am so tired right now.

As in pagod na pagod.

I have been feeling this for a few days now and it won't go away. I want to cry.

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WARNING: Unstable, contradicting, confusing statements to follow.

I love being a wife and a mother. This is my dream. To have my own family.

Mahal na mahal ko ang mga anak ko. I don't think merong magcha-challenge dyan.

But I am just so tired.

Having two kids is so different from having just one. When I had my firstborn, I really took my time, enjoying every little thing about parenting and motherhood. I planned everything, we even had regular Friday dates (we went to the park, we went grocery shopping, watched movies, window shopping, etc).

Pero negaron, sobrang hirap mag-balance ng time. 'Di ko na alam paano hahatiin ang sarili ko. Naiiyak ako guys. I feel incompetent. I feel like I am such a bad wife and mother. Like, I am not giving my best. Or even if I am giving it my all, hindi pa rin enough.

Like today.

It is my husband's birthday. Well, we had dinner with our families. Nothing fancy. Pero paguwi ng bahay, kailangan ko pang i-check kung may homework si Aeris. Then we had to do her Kumon homework. Then put Arya to sleep. Tapos kailangan ko pang tignan kung okay ba yung damit ng asawa ko para sa wedding ng kaibigan namin.

Sabay-sabay.

Tapos iniisip ko pa ngayon, may sakit yung isang kasama namin sa bahay. 'Yung nagaalaga kay Aeris. So yung nagaalaga kay Arya, kailangan nyang i-juggle ang 2 kids ngayon. Uuwi pa sya next week, graduation kasi ng anak nya --- so paano na 'yan kapag may sakit pa din 'yung isa naming kasama.

Tapos may kailangan pa akong tapusin na briefer para sa hearing sa Wednesday. Yung Econ database pa.

I don't even know if I am making sense right now. I don't even know if I am paying attention to my kids and my husband properly.

It is hard. It is difficult that you are needed everytime.

Guys, seryoso. Hindi lang 'to drama. Those close to me would know that I will never ever complain about being a wife and a mother. I will do anything for them. Pero seryoso, nakakapagod din naman kasi talaga minsan.

Totoo pala yung mga meme na parang "where is the pause button in all of these".

My back hurts. Ang sakit sakit ng legs ko. Babagsak na ang mata ko. Pero kailangan ko pa din pumasok bukas.

Ngayon, mas lalo kong naa-appreciate yung mga kasama namin sa bahay. May mga anak din sila. Pero ito sila, nagaalaga ng mga anak ng ibang tao. Malalayo sa sarili nilang mga anak, kasi kailangan kumita ng pera eh. They will miss a lot of milestones in their kids' lives, pero titiisin nilang lahat ng yun. 'Yan ang reality. Ang tapang nila, ang lakas ng loob, ang tibay nila.

Parang ako, kailangan ko din kumita. Kailangan may maiambag ako sa pamilyang ito.

How do I make sure that I am physically and mentally present in all of these? In all of my husband and kids' milestones? Even in the littlest of things. How do I attend and address to all of their needs? Is that even possible?

Christmas Wishlist III

Yosi Samrassssss!

LACE WITH BOW - BUFF/BLACK (P2,995)

ABBEY TWOTONE GLITTER CAPTOE - BLACK/STARDUST (P3,495)

Christmas Wishlist II

Photo from Kim Store

I need my own laptop. My recent Dell laptop is already with Popsie (he uses it for his field projects) and he said he'd but it from me for roughly 30% less the original price. I barely used it, I got it December 2011 before I gave birth to Sophia Isabelle. Yey for me! Excited!!!

Christmas Wishlist 2013

Photos from: Willow Jewelry

A Prayer for a Daughter

Sharing with you this prayer I read during my devotion this morning.

Father who breathed into this daughter…

I pray for this girl being formed into eternity….

May the wind always be in her hair

May the sky always be wide with hope above her

And may all the hills be an exhilaration

the trials but a trail,

all the stones but stairs to God.

God, clothe this girl in a gown of grace
Grace, the only dress that makes beautiful,
the style of Your spirit.

Nourish her on the comfort food of the Word,
Word, that makes her crave more of Christ,
have hunger pangs for Him.

Enclose her in communion with You
You, Love who makes her love, who folds her heart into a roof
that absorbs storms for souls,
that makes her tongue speak only the words that make souls stronger.

May her vocation in this world simply be translation

Translating every enemy into esteemed guest
Translating every countenance into the face of Christ
Translating every burden into blessing

When it’s hard to be patient… make her willing to suffer
When it’s ridiculous to be thankful … make her see all is grace
When it’s radical to forgive … make her live the foundation of our faith
And when it’s time to work … make her a holy wonder.

May she be bread and feed many with her life and her laughter
May she be thread and mend brokenness and knit hearts
May she be dead to all ladders & never go higher, only lower, to the lonely, the least & the longing
Her led of the Spirit to lead many to the Cross
that leads to the tomb wildly empty.

Oh, and raise me, Lord, from the deadness of my own sins to love this beautiful girl like You do…

In the name of Christ who rose

and appeared first

to one of His daughters…

Amen…

by: Ann Voskamp

Counting my blessings

Despite my aching neck, my lightheadedness, despite being stuck in traffic this morning for 3 hours (Magallanes-dela Rosa lang 'yan ha!), despite the deadlines I have, I still have a big smile on my face today because:

1) I got to play with my baby girl when I got home last night. I arrived at 11:30 pm, and learned that Aeris just woke up. Nagulat daw sa lakas ng doorbell namin. So we played until she got sleepy again.

2) Ber months na!!! :) Christmas is just around the corner!!!

3) I have a husband who really plans and wants the best for our family. See, my husband is not really a person of spontaneity. He loves working within his comfort zone. He gets irate when he has to deal with sudden changes in his routine. Early this week, he told me his plans of looking for other possible work opportunities with better compensation. He reiterated that he wants me to just focus on my business and stay at home. He wants to find a job that would cover for all of our needs and a few wants. Imagine he even asked me kung magkano daw ba kaya ang enough na (shopping) allowance ko monthly!

Thank you, Lord for blessing me and so much more. <3

Sya ang 'yong kailangan

My sister and I used to sing in the Children's Choir. Kay Teacher Vicky namin nakuha ang 'dapat pag O, 'owwww' talaga. Bilog ang bibig', 'upo ng straight para lumabas ang boses' 'N should be 'ennn', M should be 'emm'. We used to sing Psalty songs. Nakaka-miss. Now my baby girl is next in line! Feeling ko iiyak ako sa unang pagkanta ng anak ko. Nakaka-excite!

Yesterday was Children's Sunday in our church. The Children's Choir, headed by Teacher-Ninang Vicky, sang Hesus. I wish someone recorded the kids as they sang. Para ka talagang kinakantahan ng mga anghel.  I remember Aegis has their own rendition of this song, original ba nila 'to? 

Sharing with you the lyrics of the song:

Kung nag-iisa at nalulumbay
Dahil sa hirap mong tinataglay
Kung kailangan mo nang karamay
Tumawag ka at Siya'y naghihintay

Siya ang iyong kailangan
Sandigan, kaibigan mo
Siya noon, bukas, ngayon
Sa dalangin mo'y tugon
Siya ay si Hesus sa habang panahon

Kung ang buhay mo ay walang sigla
Laging takot at laging alala
Tanging kay Hesus makaaasa
Kaligtasan lubos na ligaya

Siya ang dapat tanggapin
At kilanlin Sa buhay mo
Siya ang araw mong lagi
Ang karamay kung sawi
Siya ay si Hesus, Siya ay si Hesus
Siya ay si Hesus sa bawat sandali

The song's very beautiful. Ang simple ng lyrics, simple ng tono, walang birit birit o kulot kulot pero sapul na sapul. 

Lord, thank You. I know I'm not 'in Your zone' lately, and I don't know why. I have everything I need, and I have no one to thank but You alone. Sorry, Lord. But please don't ever let me go. (I know You won't) Please do not also let me forget of how great and majestic You are. Please do not let me let go of You, Father. I love you!